In the summer of ’14, I overheard a couple of campers telling a first-time camper in a very official tone that, “We do not have sex at SISC – it is not a swinger’s club!”
I would like to counter that opinion and describe it this way:
“You can of course have sex at SISC – but you can not expect it unless agreed.”
It is all about consent.
Our whole interaction at SISC is based on consent. We meet, take an interest to each other and agree to have a session. In the process of agreeing we must outline our do’s and dont’s.We then meet at the agreed time in the agreed gear (or without it) and engage in the activity we agreed on. This activity may seem extreme to some, but it is agreed upon.
And so should the element of sex be.
You can not expect it to be a natural element in your session.
But you can ask, and damn well accept the answer if the other player says “No”
Like “Can I tie you up and rape you in two hours?” And your playmate may say, “OK, but not anal.”
Fine, the field is marked and you as active/top stick to that. And the passive/bottom must also stick to that – or suggest changes during the session. Remember you always have the right to call a stop and rethink the situation.
But why do we not all have a merry fuck on top of a good session?
Well, there may be several reason to why this is not something you can expect automatically.
First of all there are people you would like to play with, but not have sex with. Let’s not go into detail.
Secondly, and much more delicate is the situation when one or both of the players have partners that need to be consulted. And you MUST agree with your partner if you want to go and have sex with someone else. That is called respect and simple politeness. The agreement may be given generally, but it is good practice to check up on the situation regularly.
The situation is especially delicate if the person is in a new relationship, where the two have to find the balance between trust/freedom while still avoiding that green-eyed monster: jealousy.
So, out of respect for his/hers partner someone may say “No” to sex – and you will respect it.
OK, so where is the border?
When do we cross over the BDSM line and on to the more slimy territory?
Basically when we start getting in close contact with genitals, definitely when we enter the body of the other player. This is where safer sex comes into play and here condoms and/or rubber gloves may be a really good idea.
Why at all write this article?
Because I do not want to create a policy where sex is shunned upon as some lower-grade activity. Nor will I subscribe to some kind of New Puritanism creating double standards that in the end mean that we miss some good fun.
Fact: I get horny when having a good session where I can feel that my partner is also getting into the mood. So, reality check: Think back to what we did agree on. Take the time to look him/her in the eyes and wait for the little nod, and then go on.
But do not go too far, just because your partner looks all woozy. There is nothing worse that giving your partner a reason to regret what you both did, leaving you with the saddest excuse of all, “But I thought that you would like it..”